in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
