I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
