So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
