I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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