I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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