making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
