Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
