turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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