she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
