I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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