I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
