I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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