Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Randomize
