WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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