My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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