Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
