No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
