I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
