Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
