I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
