So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
