I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
