in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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