it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
