You smell like stripper and shame
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
