Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
