She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
