i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
