She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
