I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
