soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
