I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
