oh god the rape fog is back!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
