Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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