ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
