Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
