New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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