I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
