can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
