So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The air was thick with penises
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
