Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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