the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
