...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
