My sheets look like a crime scene.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
