Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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