My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
