Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So many bounce houses so little time
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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