Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
