i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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