my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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