Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
