I cannot find my penis.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
