I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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