i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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